I have never been able to attend a New York Pride because my boss always made me work in the store, which is ironic because I was always the one who actively fought for equal rights between the two of us. Last year was even worse because we actually had a float for the first time in the parade which I specifically said I wanted to be on and I still had to work. This was the middle-finger equivalent of sticking a thousand dicks in my eye. Well this year was different because I was in charge, so I finally got to celebrate Pride, which is an annual event that is very important to me. Leading up to the march I found myself hearing people saying things that really surprised me when asked what they were doing for Pride. Stop the turnip truck, because when someone says “I don’t think Pride is necessary anymore,” I take issue!
As I opened up the template to write this post, I looked to my left at the wall of the apartment that I’ve been in for 6 months now and noticed for the first time the clear outline of the bottom of a flip-flop on the wall and a smashed bug underneath it. Further evidence that my apartment is too big for me. How the hell do you miss this attractive relic from the last tenant? And how many men have found their way back to my web of sin only to see this footprint homicide on my wall and think that it was me that did it and left it there, completely fine with a mosquito-corpse on my wall? FML
Anyway…this revelation will either work for or against what I was meaning to post today.
I’ve tricked you all into thinking that I am this smooth smoldering temptress, and oh trick you I have! The fact is that I am actually very OCD and particular about the most random shit, and this is most evident at work. I know this as fact because my co-workers point it out to me all the time whereas the dead mosquito has not said a word to me about it.
Despite my OCDisms, I am a Supervisor and I need to demonstrate excellent customer service at all times and blah blah, and this can really cause a rift in some pretty internally tragic ways.
Here is a top five list of the pet peeves that send me into an OCD meltdown at work that I keep under wraps. This is a therapeutic post, of sorts…
People get really confused when I tell them that Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday. They assume that it’s because I like getting laid, and although that isn’t an untrue fact, that has nothing to do with what Valentine’s Day means to me. This year was one of the best, and every year Valentine’s Day could be amazing for everyone if they just viewed it in the right light.
Maybe I am a germ freak and maybe I am ok with that. Nothing says you’re living the good life like Purelling your hands every five minutes like a maniac. I typically look at people the same way that kid in The Sixth Sense does, more often than not because I see people do insane shit everyday and that leads me to believe that they are, thus, insane. Not outright insane, but rather…oh how do I explain this. “Exhibiting behavioral trends”? “Practicing problem indicators”? I’m sure there is an official term for the nonsense I encounter. Here are my top 5 customer interactions that freak me out and will ultimately result in me giving up on mankind and getting the hell out of Dodge (“Dodge” in this case being “the planet Earth”) . I’ll let you decide if I am the crazy one here or if these people are indeed psychotic.
I was at a party once and someone found out what I do. Usually people get wide-eyed and smile and ask me if we have buttplugs (“Yes, duh.”), but every once in a while I meet someone like this guy. “Oh so you think you know more about sex than I do?” It was an oddly confrontational statement based on nothing other than my blog description, but I remained polite. I explained “I just think that people don’t think about sex as something that requires effort too often,” to which he replied “Who are you to tell me I don’t know what I’m doing?” Obvious insecure male is obvious.
A swarm of elderly men and women have descended upon the toy store lately. Mercury is in retrograde which usually means things get a little crazy, and if this is one of the crazy things that happens then it’s my kind of crazy!
In my business it isn’t strange to meet porn stars. Despite that, it was still such a surreal experience meeting Nina Hartley. There are many reasons for this: meeting someone famous for the first time always humanizes them to a certain degree. A lot of celebs put on a show when they meet people to maintain their facade, but when you are meeting someone famous who is about to do three nights of sex based workshops for you, you meet a side of them that is ultimately very personal and surprisingly relatable, and you’re shocked at just how much they can influence you in such a small period of time.