Dear Tracy Morgan, my name is Brandon and I think you’re a dumb ass.

June 10, 2011

Tracy Morgan, you dumb ass.

Seriously man where is your head? When I read the comments you made during your now infamous stand up routine in Tennessee, I slammed my forehead on my keyboard repeatedly for about 30 minutes hoping for a similar “there’s no place like home”-esque heel-click effect. That if I continued slamming my head on my keyboard long enough, and believed hard enough, that I would return to the real world where I would realize that all of this was all, in fact, just a dream.

After regaining consciousness and realizing that this horrible world we live in where morons like you get paid more than teachers was reality, I decided I needed to e-slap you – not because I really care one way or the other what happens to you or your career – but because you are obviously unaware of how unpolished and lame your shtick is. I have never thought you were funny, not only as an audience member but as a former comedian myself.

As most people know I was trained as an improv comedian for about a million years. I performed live on stage more times than I can remember with absolutely no script and not once during my “career” did I make such mindlessly idiotic statements. My peers and I never even considered going down the road of being blatantly offensive performers. We didn’t have to, because we were actually smart and funny.

I’m so annoyed by you, not just as a gay dude, but also as a performer. I love dark humor when it’s done right, but there is a very, very thin line between hilarious and belligerently horrid. I’m sure you’re aware of which side you landed on.

There is a difference between using comedy as a form of therapy and what you did. Dark humor is meant to make people face things; the elephant in the room. Saying what people are thinking but not talking about. It can be therapeutic to be so bold. To be able to laugh at the situation at hand with some tongue in cheek brassiness. I understand dark humor, I get it, I love it, but you fail at it.

Now I consider myself to be a fairly pragmatic person and I know what it’s like to be up there on that stage. I get it; sometimes things get carried away in the moment and you start feeding off the energy of the audience and morphing your performance to satisfy their needs. Maybe you didn’t write that material and it just came to you in the moment, or maybe you did write it (and if you did you should really consider A – anger management and B – hiring a writer), but either way I want you to be aware of the potential damage that was done.

Here is what is not ok about what you said, besides the fact that you said it at all. Your audience wasn’t laughing, they weren’t “in on the joke”. The audience reportedly applauded your statements, some going so far as to shout “You go Tracy!” That’s when your comedy show stopped being a comedy show and started being a platform to vent anger and disgust towards the gay community. That’s when it stopped being funny and started being a rally for hate.

I don’t understand how you felt this formula was a good idea:

  • You say “If his son [said] that [he] was gay he better come home and talk to him like a man and not [mimicking a gay, high pitched voice] or he would pull out a knife and stab that little N-word”
  • The audience cheers and applauds.
  • The audience goes home.

Maybe you thought whatever punchline was in your head was properly communicated, but I can guess that it wasn’t. Instead you just added fuel to the fire of a state of people whose anti-gay hate crimes have been on a steady increase for the last 5 years. Instead you gave the people responsible for this lovely art in 2008 some more inspiration:

Instead you told a city which holds the second highest number of anti-gay hate crime incidents for 2010 in the state of TN that they should attack someone who is gay, and as if that wasn’t awful enough you said that they as an adult should stab and kill their gay child. An interesting place to make that statement since in 2007, 24 of the 56 reported anti-gay hate crimes were against victims 24 years or younger.

Wow you are hilarious Tracy. Really good work you’re doing out there in the world.

People really need to stop paying you to support ignorance and violence, and comedians need to stop defending every dark humored joke that goes wrong. Here’s a newsflash: It’s only comedy if people are laughing.

I have a headache…

Lubes Found to Potentially Increase Chance of STI/HIV Transmission

May 28, 2010

“Hi, I’m like lubricating yourself with Windex!”

And you guys thought I was just trying to sell you the expensive stuff to make a buck. Well fuck a buck! Maybe this will finally convince you that those cheap lubes you keep cramming in your fanny suck. Now they are proven to possibly be toxic!

The 2010 International Microbicides Conference released two studies on May 25th regarding the safety of select lubricants when used for anal sex, and wouldn’t you know that some of them are bad for your bum.

The researchers found in one study that those who used some of the most popular lubricants on the market were three times more likely to have rectal sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Another study found that some of these lubricants were actually toxic to cells, causing cellular death within the anus, resulting in a vulnerable target for HIV transmission.

Before you all start clutching your pearls you should know which lubricants were tested and why they did the damage they did. Astroglide, KY Jelly, ID Glide, Elbow Grease, Wet Platinum, and Pre’ were the lubes tested. The studies showed that Wet Platinum and Pre’ were safest to use for anal due to the fact that they didn’t cause cell damage or damage to the rectal lining. This is most likely due to the fact that Wet Platinum is the only silicone-based lubricant among the bunch (i.e. it doesn’t contain toxic chemicals) and Pre’ is a non-toxic sperm friendly lubricant, typically used with Pre-Seed for couples attempting to make more brats to crowd the J train at 3:00.

However, the hyperosmolar nature of the other lubricants was associated with cellular toxicity. This literally means that the other lubricants were found to be dehydrating and thus killing the cells within your butt, resulting in an increased risk to HIV and STI transmission.

The likely culprit is glycerin, which is a pretty nasty chemical to be internalizing anally or vaginally.

To read the press release click here.

Click here for my favorite water-based glycerin free lubricant — Sliquid Organics Gel!  If you’re a silicone man, check out my favorite — System JO Anal Premium!

Play smart, gentlemen!

The Center in Florida Vandalized, Needs Your Help!

November 18, 2009

That doesn’t even make sense, asshats!

Well this is just annoying and sad.

The GLBT Center of Florida was struck by homophobic vandalism.  Buildings and signs of The Center and a nearby gay-owned business were spray painted with a swastika, and phrases such as “gay power,” “die fags,” and “go to hell”.

The clean up is going to cost a bit over $1,000, but on top of that they need help raising money to buy some security cameras to catch those little butt nuggest if they try anything like this again!

If you would like to donate to help them pay for sign scrubbing and sharks that shoot laser beams, please click here.  At the bottom of the page you can select your donation amount and help get these guys back on their feet.

Project Gaydar Preys on Down-Low Boys, Down-Low Boys Pray

September 22, 2009

gaydar2Anytime someone uses the word “gaydar” my skill crawls.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate the word — gay + radar = gaydar! — it just makes a weird sound in my ears.  Like when people complain about the texture of food versus the flavor.  Gaydar. Gah!

Anyway, Project Gaydar is upon us.  Some nerds at MTI actually created a program that can examine a guy’s friend’s list on Facebook and determine if the said gentleman is gay or not, even if he did not declare that information anywhere on his personal Facebook page. You don’t even need to be the person’s friend.

So now people are all in a tizzy about online privacy and whathaveyou.  Personally I think if you are going to put anything on the internet then you have to assume it is going to be accessible to everyone in the world.  I remember the first time my mom found this website.  I received an excited call from her, followed by a list of questions regarding a lot of my reviews.  The only thing worse than your parents not accepting your way of life is when they are curious about it.  Stop asking me about butt plugs mom!  DANGER DANGER.

Anyway, the program seems to work in a “birds of a feather” manner, meaning if you have a lot of gay friends then of course you must also be gay.  An excellent piece of information to throw out there, I’m sure.  If you find yourself getting un-friended by your straight friends you can blame these hacks.

Thus far it’s apparently been accurate for men but they can’t seem to get it to work for lesbians.

I am hoping to get my sweaty paws on this software soon. Target: Geronimo.

R.I.P. Teddy

August 26, 2009

Thank you for everything, sir.


“Ensuring equality for all Americans is the least we can do in living up to the standards of inclusion that this nation is built upon. There is no place for discriminating against any of our citizens for whatever reason and I commend my colleagues for their willingness to champion equal rights for every American.”

Ted Kennedy

Good Show, International Mr. Leather!

July 27, 2009

The leather fetishists at International Mr. Leather have recently declared that they will no longer supply bareback pornography.

Well done, guys!

President Chuck Renslow explains “…[A]fter considerable discussion, the executive committee of International Mr. Leather has decided that it will no longer allow participation in the IML Leather Market by any entity which promotes barebacking or distributes/sells any merchandise tending to promote or advocate barebacking.”

The new policy is in response to the reported increase in HIV infections.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention report that HIV in New York City is spreading at 3 times the national rate.

Sex between men was the main cause in 50 percent of new infections.

Those under age 20 made up 4 percent of the newly infected; those 20 to 29 years old, 24 percent; those 30 to 39 years old, 29 percent; those 40 to 49 years old, 29 percent; and those 50 and older, 15 percent.

Be smart and safe, everyone!

Top to Bottom Ratio in Your City

June 18, 2009

The people at The Sword did a study recently to see which cities had the most Tops and which had the most Bottoms. God our country is great sometimes.

The data was collected by monitoring Craigslist ads of M4M activity. I’m not sure that makes this poll the most accurate in the world, but it’s definitely something!

Of all places, Houston won the bottom contest with 75% of posters looking for tops. So which city has the most tops? According to the poll: New York. Ha! What bar is THAT?! I want to go to there.

Keep reading to see a chart of the various cities studied and their relating pitchers and catchers.

Read the rest of this entry »